


02:34

by jongshyuns



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Drabble, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Undefined Relationship, lapslock, poor jonghyun :(, trigger warning, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 03:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jongshyuns/pseuds/jongshyuns
Summary: jonghyun is ruining himself for perfection.jinki is that perfection.





	02:34

**Author's Note:**

> is this based entirely off my own personal  
> events and purely me needing to project   
> these feelings somewhere? perhaps;;  
> if you're struggling with an eating disorder  
> please seek help and try to stay strong <3  
> i'm here for you

for jinki, jonghyun will be perfect.

 

_ 970 _

the small letters were scribbled haphazardly onto the blank notebook page in blue ink. jonghyun had his bottom lip captured between his lip the whole time, biting away at the skin until the sudden taste of blood hit his tongue.

it was such a high number to him; 970. last week he had gotten down to 380 and despite the constant cold numbness of his hands and the galaxy of stars that exploded behind his eyes with the simplest movements; he had felt in control. the dream of him reaching his goals seemed more attainable, nearly tangible with every calorie drop.

but now he’s back here, back with high intakes and guilt ripping away at his insides. it’s already enough to deal with having to see all the fat on his body, his puffy cheeks and thick thighs, a stomach with fat hiding all his bones and widening his hips. it was almost frustrating to jonghyun, tears threatening to spring out from behind his eyes as he angrily pinches the extra skin around his hip bones.

it wasn’t enough that he’s lost nearly 40 pounds, it wasn’t enough that his clothes that used to fit months ago are now awkward and ill fitting on his frame, or that every bone in his hand starts showing just a little bit more with every passing day. 

the fact that he’s not perfect is the reason why jinki doesn’t love him. jonghyun justifies and reasons with himself that if he was tinier, if his bones showed without effort and he didn’t eat so much, jinki would want to be with him.

jinki had labeled their relationship as undefined, filling jonghyun with promises of love and companionship and false hope, telling him how much he misses kissing him and holding him close at night, just to turn around and tell jonghyun he doesn’t  _ really _ want to do any of that.

but you couldn’t blame jonghyun for asking the older male what exactly their relationship was, and you couldn’t blame him for feeling hurt when jinki’s only reply was “i don’t know, it’s not defined. but i’m not dating you,” abruptly sending him into another spiral of self loathing and feelings of not being good enough.

jonghyun isn’t sure when he came to the realization that his self worth was measured by every word that left jinki’s lips, every gaze that lingered too long, or every text that cut just a little too deep for comfort.

and there are two ways jonghyun can cope.

he knows he can starve. he can purge every bite of food that goes past his lips, restrict his intake to 600, then 400, then less than 300. it would be too easy to fast for days, surviving off copious amounts of water and 0 calorie energy drinks that leave a bitter taste in his mouth, the feeling of dizziness and immense cold that would rack his body becoming as comforting as the emptiness and hunger pangs that ripped away at his stomach.

or, he could binge. he could shove days worth of food into his mouth at once, instant noodles and cookies and gummies disappearing down his throat in a matter of minutes, all washed down by more vile tasting energy drinks and water. feeling too tired and physically ill to purge, jonghyun would lay in is bed in pain, clutching is abdomen and cursing at himself for being weak and giving into the temptation of food.

 

but it was worth it; for jinki, jonghyun will become perfect.

 


End file.
